1. Identify the brand and variety of pack you’d like
2. Present government ID indicating you are 18 years or older
3. Pay for your vice

Today was special; the shop assistant kept looking back and forth between my AZ Driver’s License and me. Trying to be helpful, I said “I was born XX/YY/1984″ so she could find it on the card (I assumed she wasn’t familiar with the layout). I also said, “yes, it really does expire in 2049!” Here’s a partly redacted photo of my government ID:

AZ, legit, government-issued ID

The Duane Reade teller became very nervous and said, “I’m not going to sell these to you. If anything happens, I could lose my job.” I asked her, “Are you saying this ID’s fake?” She said, “No, I’m not saying that, but I don’t know anything about IDs from Arizona, so I’m not going to sell to you.” I asked to speak to a manager, but unfortunately hers was not around at the time, so I’ll have to save that for another day.

But procedurally, I’m just confused. Doesn’t it work, in the US, when you are selling things that you’re required to ask for ID for, that you ask for ID, verify that is isn’t expired, and that the birthdate puts the person in the acceptable range? I feel like the Duane Reade teller went off-policy today, either through stupidity, or ignorance of the script she was supposed to follow.

And on the upside, I don’t have a pack of cigarettes to smoke, which is great for my health and saves me $10 or whatever the current vice tax is.

Update: I emailed Duane Reade for clarification on their policy regarding the sale of tobacco products, and have been assigned case #160594. Will update when it comes!

TARGET WHAAA YOU SUCK!?!?!?

You can’t do anything without these plastic bits.

So I sent an opening email to Target guest services:

01/09/11 19:06:13
Comments: I bought one of these (link) at a Target the other day. When I opened the box, it had the wire frames, but none of the plastic parts which hold them together.

I got a response back asking for more information:

Dear Elliott Back,

I’m sorry for the trouble you had with the wire cube shelving system which you’ve recently purchased.

We’d still like to help you out, but we aren’t able to determine if the item has been purchased from Target.com or not. Please write back to us with the information listed using the link below.

-Whether the item was purchased at Target.com or in a Target store
-Order number (You can find it on the packing slip)
-Name or e-mail address of the person who placed the order

We look forward to hearing from you!

I sent back that I had bought it at a physical target, and my information was passed along to guest.relations@target.com, who wrote back:

Dear Elliott Black, oops! The message we received came in scrambled and unreadable. To make sure we have a chance to respond to your question or concern, would you please re-send your original message?

So I reiterate the situation:

I bought one of these at a Target the other day (link). When I opened the box, it had the wire frames, but none of the plastic parts
which hold them together. I was hoping you could send some of the plastic bits?

I can provide a photo of the box & contents if that helps you out.

A different rep wrote back that they couldn’t help me out:

Dear Elliott Black:

Thanks for sharing your comments with us about the Wire Cube Shelving System you purchased at Target. I know it’s frustrating when an item doesn’t work out for you due to missing parts. I’m sorry we aren’t able to provide any manufacturer information about this Wire Cube Shelving System and unable to request parts.

We work with lots of manufacturers to offer you a unique variety of merchandise. Because of our relationship with this manufacturer, we need to follow the guidelines of our return policy, which requires a valid receipt for all returns and exchanges.

We may be able to return or exchange your item so please don’t hesitate to contact Target.com if you purchased it online or your local Target store if bought there. Please accept my apologies for any disappointment this has caused. Hearing about your experience is important to us, and I’ll be sure to share your comments with our Merchandising and Buying teams.

I don’t live near a physical target, and I didn’t keep the receipt (my bad, I suppose). So I wrote back “I live in NYC , so I don’t believe I have a local target?” and I have yet to hear from them. The 50% hit rate on their crappy wireframe shelves is something I should factor into their pricing if I visit again in the future. It’s really too bad; the nearest Target is an hour away in New Jersey and not worth the time of going over there and replacing / buying a new one. Maybe a miracle will happen and their customer service send me a refund, or better yet, a new wireframe shelving unit, avec plastic parts?

Doubtful, I’m convinced Target sucks.

For an additional $155 you get Apple OSX 10.5 Leopard installed on the system using a Extensible Firmware Interface (EFI) emulator and the OSx86 project. Upgrading to an NVIDIA GeForce 8600GT will cost an additional $110, while Firewire ports costs $50. The base specs are formidable:

• 2.2GHz Intel Core 2 Duo
• 2GB of DDR2 667 memory
• Integrated Intel GMA 950 Graphics
• 20x DVD+/-R Drive
• 4 USB Ports
• 250GB 7200RPM Drive

Buying a similarly spec’d mac-mini will cost you at least $1000 for a computer with worse specifications and a slightly nicer looking chassis. That’s right, Apple is charging you 250% more than Pystar will. Where’s the catch? It’s the Apple Leopard 10.5 EULA, which reads “You agree not to install, use or run the Apple Software on any non-Apple-labeled computer, or to enable others to do so.” The Fortune Blog highlights a similar EULA section, which reads “This License allows you to install, use and run one (1) copy of the Apple Software on a single Apple-labeled computer at a time,” and concludes “that’s what’s wrong with this.”

The EULA, Does It Mean Anything?

No, it doesn’t. Based on the First sale doctrine, when you buy something, you essentially have the right to do whatever you want with it (a fact that bothers libertarians, corporations, but few else). That’s right, in the United States, you can buy a copy of OSX 10.5, install it on commodity x86 hardware, and ignore anything in the EULA to the contrary. Apple needs to learn that simply printing indecipherable text buried in a legal document doesn’t make it truth. If their hardware is truly superior, they should welcome the competition.

Note that I am not a lawyer, and this does not in any way provide legal advice

Apple Fans, They’re Hating!

Apple fans have a huge, negative response to this news. They just can’t stand someone creating a cheaper, faster clone of their favorite computer brand. Here are a few select samples, with citations:

• “This is illegal and will never happen. This is EXACTLY what Apple doesn’t want: it’s brand diluted with an ugly product full of bargain-bin components to appeal to the wellfare market. No thanks.” [src]
• “I smell a fly-by-night scam.” [src]
• “Many people may find paying 150% the price for a mac mini with less performance just as insulting” [src]
• “God damn that thing is UGLY. Building a box like that really destroys most of the joys of owning a mac” [src]
• “I can’t even imagine why someone would want all of the crap from the PC world swirling around inside of a well made fine piece of machinery. Good luck with that.” [src]

Essentially, this is the same reaction as Apple fans had to the $200 iPhone price cut: “You can’t drop the price and give Apple to the plebes!” Any Macintosh fans who are honestly upset by a little competition need to tone-down their absolute devotion to the Cult of Jobs, and see how this is good for everyone.

/* Code removed at the request of Shaun Inman, although technically it’s not his code anymore, just something someone (who knows who) hacked up around it… */

*the usual bypass authorization by modifying the function to always validate hack*

Mint Piracy is a well-known problem to Shaun Inman, so I emailed him a potential solution to the problem of having to release his source code to users, but still needing some control. Hopefully in the future, we can work to bring piracy of Mint to a quick end.

Update: Inman isn’t a fan of the technique (which I think is perfect):

There is a simple way for you to track the origin of Mint pirate releases, and that is to add information to downloads in a way that looks normal, but actually can be later used to authenticate the source.

Person x buys mint, and you assign them id 123456. In base 2 you have 011110001001000000. So, the trick is, you now need to find 18 places in the code where you can choose one thing over another. So for every person x, you generate a unique download, choosing different adjectives in the comments in different places, etc, depending on the id you want to steganografically encrypt. The key to this is that you don’t tell anyone you’re doing it, and they probably won’t notice.

What do you think? Would this cause more grief?

Christopher Paolini

A beautiful photo of a dragonfruit, which looks difficult to eat

The author of award-winning children’s fantasy novels Eragon and Eldest is certainly not I, and yet a post which was supposed to clear the matter up only made it worse. Here is a small selection of the fanmail I’ve received over the years:

• A short story titled Warriors of Lost Time. The story is obsessed with adjective razor-sharp (“… me with a scimitar and small gladiator shield that’s razor sharp all around, Drake with a razor sharp crescent blade …”), includes completely unbelievable events (“That’s when we realized that we had slept for 45 years without knowing it…”), and abuses narrative surprise (“So we went to the mountains and tried to mine but we found dwarves. Dwarves! We couldn’t believe our eyes.”).
• Many short inquiries of the nature, “if this is christophere paolini please email me back cos i want to ask some questions and i love ure books.”
• International fanmail, “I am 17-aged Corean girl, (do you know ‘Corea’ anyway?).”

A Wedding Photographer

A couple being married; hopefully happy

It was interesting when I received an email asking for wedding photography services:

My wife and i are planning to have our wedding on September 27th, 2006 at St Paul’s Church Bow Common Burdett Road,. I am looking for the best photographer who will come and snapshot on the D-day and when i came across your email i was impressed.

It could have been a complicated bit of spam, but why would spam bother to ask me how much it would cost to have the photographs taken?

A Bored Housewife / Teenage Music Lover / Sickly Man

While I love listening to music and reading…

Apparently, I’m the kind of guy who needs to test his blood sugar frequently because of diabetes, because I was signed up for telemarketing information calls about blood meters. However, one call was all it took to get my name off their list.

I was also surprised to get “Jack Black: Welcome to BMG Music Service!” in my inbox one day. I would sign up for a CD club scheme, and yet somehow someone signed me up. A quick email took care of that problem.

The most recent “I’ve been signed up for services I didn’t want” episode was today’s Home & Garden magazine bill. I ask you–do I look like I’d read H&G?

Flemming Rose

Fire’s a bad way to die–aparently it’s quite hot.

According to the Nation, a Saudi Arabian newspaper claimed that an “Elliot Back” was the notorious editor of the “Mohammed Cartoons” and perished in a fire in his apartment. Unfortunately, neither is true. The actual culture editor of Jyllands Posten is Fleming Rose.

Various other Elliott, Elliot, Eliott, or Eliot forms

Someday someone is bound to think that I’m Missy Elliott. w00t!

Because I’ve owned the address elliott@cornell.edu for some time, people wanting to email any of the other e(l)+io(t)+@cornell.edu have often addressed me incorrectly. Moreover, I’ve had companies interview me and send congratulations to a different elliott@ email address, which has been a big turn off. The problem with being an Elliott is that there are so many ways to spell it. And that’s even without the Bäck/Back/Black/Beck problem. If there’s just four ways to spell my first name and four to spell my last name, you arrive at a good fifteen ways to ruin my name.

That’s right–you’ve got a 6.25% of ever getting it right.